I have honestly considered deleting this blog. I find myself feeling exhausted…mentally and physically. I felt that there was no more to be said. I've been so tired, I feel stuck in a vicious cycle of pain. I was making progress with my jaw misalignment, starting to feel hopeful again; thinking this chapter of my life would soon be closed, I was seeing the light at the end of a very long and treacherous hallway. It felt like that new refreshing chapter of freedom from physical pain was only a step away!
But then things started to shift. I wasn't just dealing with ringing and aching in my ears, or lengthy headaches and sleepless nights. Something new developed. I started having joint pain, more so than normal…a new kind of fatigue…and plenty of other symptoms I don’t need to go into. But to sum it up I am at my worst. I spend days in my bed laying down sleeping on-and-off. Any energy that I had, has been taken away. It progressed slowly over the span of a couple weeks which culminated in a visit to the ER. We finally decided to see my family physician, they ran a couple tests and what they were looking for were either Crohn’s disease, RA (rheumatoid arthritis), or Lupus. For those who don't know all three of those are chronic illnesses. A short week later I find out my ANA levels came back positive. Meaning it isn't just a bug or something treatable with antibiotics. They think it is some type of autoimmune we aren't sure of what but it’s looking like a connective tissue disease, which is what my mom has (it’s almost lupus but not full blown) and even worse it’s not curable. I felt a heaviness in my chest. I’ve seen the way my sweet mom has suffered through the pains of her chronic illness. And to think that could be the same fate for me was just a terrifying thought. I want to get up every-day energized for the day, I want to be able to focus on my education completely and in between that pursue my hobbies. I felt spilt, part of me felt like that was the last straw and I could just fall to pieces. Yet through all of this pain and uncertainty, I've had a peace I've never felt before, I feel this connection with God that is absolutely supernatural. It’s nothing I've done, it’s all Him. He continually meets me in my suffering. Some people close to me have asked me, “How did you do that? How do you not hate God?” I wondered that myself, and I go back and think through the course of the last four years and I've had plenty of times where instead of falling into his sweet loving embrace I ran from him with a cold and bitter heart. But that got me nowhere, all I gained was more pain. So each time I've ran away I noticed I didn't run as far, and I feel like I hit my breaking point. I've come to a place where I feel everything has been ripped from my grasp and when I looked around me all that was left was God and of course my family. He has given me a desire for Him and His Word. My relationship with God has grown more intimate and stronger. I am learning to be satisfied in Him. I have had to surrender my dreams, my hopes, and control to the Lord and lay them at the cross. Everyday. I have had to come to the realization that sometimes God doesn't take the pain away, sometimes His plan doesn't align with our own. When I did that, I started on a road to satisfaction in Him. Now don't get me wrong it wasn't a one-time exchange, it is a daily battle but He continually strengthens me and slowly it gets easier. I continually have to surrender everything to Him. At the times when I’m tired and weary and still attempting to grasp for one more piece of control of my life - He says enough - Come lay down at my feet, let me give rest to your aching soul. Release the control and let me fight for you my child. Psalm 23 verses 2-4 says this "He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for You are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me". Though I'm at my loneliest, most painful and exhausting season I have never been so completely and utterly in love with my sweet Jesus. I am becoming satisfied in him. I'll admit some days I'll just lay in bed and dive right into an ocean of self-pity asking the common question "Why me Lord?" or "How much longer?" I'll create fantasies of a better life for myself foolishly thinking that earthly things or a stronger healthier body could satisfy my soul better than God. I don't want to give a false representation of where I am at. I am hurting, I don't understand what He is doing. But, I trust that He will take care of me, I trust that His promises are true. I am chasing growth and I pray wherever you are in your walk you can find complete satisfaction in Him. I felt that I had no more to say, how could God use a sick girl like me to inspire or empower anyone. But that’s where I had it wrong. It's not me who inspires or empowers, it is He who has done a miraculous work in me to inspire. I am just the messenger of a mighty and holy God. -Mikayla Kent
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As I was doing my devo tonight I was reading in Psalm, and these are my following thoughts. (:
Psalm 23:1 "The LORD is my shepherd I have all that I need". 💗 I've been thinking the past few days and reflecting on my attitude, I've had a mindset of "oh only if I had this or only if I had that" than I would be fulfilled. I may not always have a "best friend" or always have perfect health, etc. But God is ALL we need, he is our sustainer, pure fulfillment. I have caught myself looking from one thing or to another to find "all that I need" when really it's at the feet of our LORD. He is ALL that I need. The end of chapter twenty-three verse 6 says this "Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever". Just a little something that's been on my heart that I felt I needed to share (: Strength is something I try to search for constantly. As many know I have a misalignment to my jaw that causes terrible pain, for the past three days I have had headaches not stop. I am so weak, so tired I also continually have plenty of anxious thoughts wondering if the doctors will ever find a fix. I wanna give people the polite response when they come up to me and ask how I am I generally say "oh I'm good! the jaw should be better soon" but in reality on most days I'm fighting tears to come streaming down my face cause of the constant pain. In all honesty when I am at home I am not the most welcoming person to be around I have developed an intense impatient attitude, I lose my temper easily and don't treat others how they should be treated. I may be in pain but I have no right to lash out at my family I am trying to grow in that area. I am not good at all & at the moment I am not in a good place health wise but my God is still good, and his timing is all in all perfect. He is letting me go through this for a reason and if that means I have to deal with this for another year or longer I am going to trust and ask him to provide me strength well heck it isn't gonna be easy most days I would rather stick to the pain pills and a bitter attitude than lay all my burdens humbly at his feet but I will get not because of anything in me but all because of God. Instead of begging him impateintly to cease the pain I will praise him even in the midst of suffering; as the verse Matthew 11:28 states -"Come to me all of you who are weary & I carry heavy burdens & I will give you rest" anyone else who is struggling in the same area as in impatience or suffering or in finding strength I hope you will cling to this verse My friend Trenton captured this beautiful picture and I think it speaks my mood lately. You see it's quite gloomy, I'm in a place of continuous suffering. I have a misaligned jaw, which causes me to struggle with constant headaches, neck/back pain, terrible loss of sleep! and it's been going on for years and has increased as time has gone on. But something that has comforted me for sometime now it's Revelation 21:2 " He will wipe every tear from there eyes, there will be no more death, nor mourning nor crying nor pain for the old order of these things has passed away" though my suffering is constant it is but temporary. Even through our suffering we have absolutely no reason to doubt God. God understands our pains and emotions but will never comprehend how we could doubt him. I admit I do doubt quite a bit, curious to why he won't just miraculously fix my jaw? Or what is the purpose of putting me through this? But even though it isn't clear to me at the moment I'm still going to trust God because he has never failed me and never will. You may be at a point where you are excessively exsausted well I most certainly am! Just cling to the Bible & dig into prayer. Let God renew your strength. For anyone else going through suffering keep in mind your suffering is just temporary and even in the worst of times God is good. Also In Isaiah 49:16 " Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands your walls are continually before me". That verse clearly states that God is aware of our suffering and we are engraved on his hands, if you feel alone just remember God is aware and at work always. I hope this speaks to someone in the midst of there own personal battle. (:Suicide prevention week was about two weeks ago. This topic is something that is very near and dear to my heart. This isn't easy for me to share but here it goes! Those that know me yet don't know my story might say "Mikayla you have a beautiful life and a tight knit family and you are blessed beyond compare, why would you be unhappy?" Yes I am incredibly blessed, yes I have a lovely family. But I became depressed and suicidal from an incredible amount of bullying that I faced. It was so difficult, as a young girl experiencing so much hate from so many people my heart was just hurting and heavy. I got bullied by people in my neighborhood, and I got bullied by people from who barely knew me. It was absolutely terrible to hear nasty words about yourself come from the mouths of people who barely know you. Other would offer advice saying "Mikayla just don't listen to them" But how can you not? You hear those words come forth continually for months after months and they start to sink in. Slowly you end up dwelling on them day by day. I ended up believing those lies myself, I started to hate my image, my personality, just everything about who I waa. Later on I ended up seeing no purpose to my existence, if I'm being completely honest I didn't understand how a God of great love and mercy would let such a young girl go through such an immense amount of pain. The depression and suicidal thoughts became so overwhelming. Hating your existence is incredible heavy burden to carry. Words do hurt, and they can have the biggest impact on someone’s day. I was reading my bible one day searching for contentment and peace. I so desperately wanted to feel something and I did, God helped me realize that with him I can overcome the shackles of depression and experience joyous freedom. Once you give up your burdens, to God there is a relief, God wants to carry those burdens. He wants to be your go to when you feel worthless. He wants to put those broken pieces back together and mend your torn heart. And he can, it isn't an easy road. I still have my bad days I still struggle with insecurities and at times dwell on the words of past bullies. But you can find purpose and contentment and true self love at the cross. So many people wake up every day facing a storm, struggling through everyday without having God to help carry the heavy weight of sorrows. I am able to thank God now for putting me through all that pain. Because of those bullies I am now able to have the strongest compassion for hurting souls and I wish to help them. Every day should be suicide prevention day, pray for the broken hearts, every day they experience their own battle, help contribute to ending that war inside their soul. Let's make everyday a goal to spread love and pray for broken hearts. God allows us to go through heavy trials but he doesn't leave us alone. He is there to fight the battle for you. He uses the most raw and broken places in your life and uses it for his glory. You may be dealing with depression and wondering will the tears ever pay off? I wondered that many times. And let me tell you every tear I shed has paid off. If you ever need a friend or advice just send me a direct message on Instagram. If you want my Instagram comment, and simply ask and I will give it to you. I pray this touches the heart of a broken soul. Life isn't easy it's a heck of a ride but it's worth it. Lastly find someone to talk to, don't wait like me and let it get to a terrible point where death seems more pleasing then life. My darling your heart beats for a reason, every breath you take is precious. Life is a beautiful gift, take control of that pain and turn it into something beautiful. Help someone else change their story and continue. ❤️;
Oh how I truly love Bulgaria. Once you leave America for the first time and travel into a new country with a foreign language and a complete new way of living it can be a bit overwelming. My week in Bulgaria was packed full, we started off in the city called Sofia. It was absolutely beautiful, we went all around downtown, we walked all day long but it was most certainly worth it. We saw so many lovely buildings, churches, and the people were just truly breathtaking. But by the end of the day I was tempted to crawl or make my team carry me to the Chinese restaurant I was worn out. Another thing I wanna share about is the the food oh the food, banitsa is delicious, cappy is a very popular juice In Bulgaria (it's basically their minute maid) the food well makes you never want to go back to eating American food ( except taco bell) The people oh the people! are the most beautiful, sweet and opened hearted people you will ever meet! They surely have stolen my heart. We got to venture into a gypsy village one of the highlights of the week. We had the privilege of being able to worship with them, it was so moving. Though we didn't speak the same language we sang and worshiped and loved the same God. They told us a word in Bulgarian that meant " praise God" we sang that all together in unity and it brought me to tears. My heart was heavy as I looked around I see people who are in deep poverty with daily struggles to provide for themselves. And yet these sweet families also serve with their heart’s so focused on praising God even in the midst of difficulties. Their worship and love is so genuine. It was truly beautiful and eye opening. Sometimes we get so used to the normal, waking up every Sunday and going to church doing the same old thing, listening to a sermon singing a few songs & we forget the importance of praise and giving up our time to thank him by giving him our hearts fully to him every ounce of love and thanking him for our countless blessings. We let the smallest things blur our hearts on what should be our main focus. Later on throughout the week we got to teach English to some wonderful kids. It was so much fun! the kids sure know how to make you smile! It was a funny day for sure, we played sharades, and I was completely embarrassing myself but it gave the kids a good laugh! Also we got to visit a "nursing home" wasn't much of a nursing home more of an orphanage for the elderly, Janie played the flute beautifully and we gave them some treats and to see their sweet faces light up was just the most wonderful thing. There was so much sadness in that place but those people truly loved to see people care for them to bring them treats. We also made some amazing friends from the church in Burgas we got to go to the Black Sea with them every day and get to know them we would go back and forth talking about where we live, our beliefs much more but it was always so much fun they are truly remarkable people. We hope to always stay in contact with them for a very long time and send them American food such as poptarts and cheeze itz. This trip was amazing. Yes there was some frustration and lack of sleep, but I wouldn't take back one moment in this beautiful country. I await my next visit there. Gods love reaches to the ends of the earth, his love has no boundaries. God opened my eyes, we went on a mission trip hoping to bring a few people to the lord and In hope of God opening there eyes and heart to see his wonder and his unfailing love, he also opened my eyes in the process. So there you go, a little insight of my unforgettable trip to Bulgaria.
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AuthorI'm just a 17 year old girl, who has a passion for Jesus and longs to encourage and connect with other people through the shifting seasons of life, and the lessons learned through them. Archives
July 2023
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