Even when those “what if’s” become a reality Hello all, I’m back to share with you what the Lord has been teaching me amidst my stubbornness. As you all know I have mixed connective tissue disease, that has altered my life in many forms. Towards the end of the summer my body was doing quite well. I had more energy and felt along the lines of “normal”. I was thrilled, I was getting out more and doing things I hadn’t done in awhile. I was preparing for the upcoming school year and was eager to take it on. And in a blink of an eye, the sickness came back upon me like a crushing wave. The fatigue and the joint pain came like a thief in the night, robbing me of my joy. Emphasis on joy - but we will get back to that in a minute. As I embarked on the school year, I’ve had to learn how to juggle sickness and school. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a flexible school and very understanding teachers that have helped me through this adjustment. In the midst of this new beginning, I’ve been so confused and hurt as to why God wouldn’t give me the body I need to accomplish what he has called me to- which is being a student. I have been angry because I’ve felt like he has failed to meet my expectations. I’ve prayed for healing, I’ve gotten down on my knees and begged for a miracle. I just can’t comprehend why he had allowed this to pass through his fingers; why won’t my God heal me? In my confused anger, I chose to shove my spiritual life to the sidelines and place everything else above God. I’ve made no time to read the Bible or pray. I’ve felt like he has let me down and left me all alone to wander in this forsaken darkness. Then God stopped me in my tracks, and I found the book that I read earlier this year when I first got diagnosed. It’s called “The Scars That Have Shaped Me” by Vaneetha Rendall Risner. I read the chapter titled “What if the Worst Happens” and in this chapter Vaneetha talks about even when the nightmare happens, and those terrible “what if’s” come true, is God enough for you? and that hit me hard. I asked myself “Mikayla is God enough for you if your body never works like it should. If that healing never comes in your time on this earth - is HE enough.” And right then I painfully admitted that he wasn’t enough. I want to live an abundant life, not an abundantly painful one. In this chapter she then shared this passage... Habakkuk 3:17-18 “Even if the fig tree does not bloom, and the vines have no grapes. Even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no good, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle- even then, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God who saves me.” I sat there, with a paper and a pen and prayed, earnestly prayed that God would help me surrender my expectations of him. I asked that he would help me surrender my deepest desire to be healed, I asked that he would help me to trust in him fully, to no longer trust in my body, nor what my body can accomplish, nor my circumstances. I asked him to help me say with confidence “even when”. Day by day, I choose to surrender those expectations and dreams, I will start to say with confidence, my joy is not found in my body. I will also start to say that my joy that is not found in my circumstances, nor in what God can accomplish for me, but rather rooted in the character of God.” On that night, I asked him to meet me in that painful place, as tears began to paint the page in shades of scared hope. Along the page, my hand penciled in desperate words and I asked that he would give me strength to walk through this school year, I asked for peace within this unknown. I want to encourage you all to ask yourself- “is God enough for me even when my “what if’s” become a reality. Is my joy found solely in him? If it isn’t, don’t be so hard on yourself, there is grace in Jesus, there is freedom at the cross. It is painful to come to that realization and to recognize that your trust was found in what he could accomplish for you. Now that you recognize that, ask him for help to trust him fully, ask for help to say with confidence “Even then, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.” ( Habakkuk 3:17-18) We live in a chaotic world my friends, we all have our pains and our “what if’s” join me in surrendering those, and embarking on a journey of trusting God soley. I’m not there yet, I’m learning, doubting, questioning, praying and hurting. In time I will get there, and you will get there; with God leading us both every step of the way. I also want to encourage that surrendering those “what if’s” doesn't happen overnight, I am continually surrendering and praying Habakkuk 3:17-18 over my life, asking God to meet me in that struggle. He is aware that you're struggling, he will meet you with peace and his abundant grace. Lastly, I want to encourage you to read “The Scars That Have Shaped Me” by Vaneetha Rendall Risner. It is a beautiful book, about her testimony overcoming many battles and how she has grown closer to Christ because of them. God bless you all, Mikayla Kent.
4 Comments
|
AuthorI'm just a 17 year old girl, who has a passion for Jesus and longs to encourage and connect with other people through the shifting seasons of life, and the lessons learned through them. Archives
July 2023
Categories |