It is 10:37pm as I begin to write this and my heart is full of feelings begging to be put into words. The first thought that pops into my head is “Where do I even begin?” Today, I want to share with you my journey battling with self esteem and my identity. It has been a long and painful road, and I am still dragging my feet through the dirt of this path but I am taking each step with confidence in He who goes before me. The definition of self esteem is this “confidence in one’s own worth or abilities: self respect.” And when I stand before the mirror the truth comes pouring down in a flood of tears as I reflect at my recent understanding and recognition of the depths of my brokenness in regards to my self esteem and identity. Now, I am going to dive into the pools of my past, those waters are dark and difficult for me to tread. But it is key when discovering the root of this issue. At the young age of ten I began to experience the darkness of bullying. And that is the first time my heart broke. Their words flew towards my heart like fiery arrows and shattered pieces of my identity and esteem. These were the words I heard for years over and over again…”you’ll never be loved” “you’re worthless” “you’re ugly and disgusting” “kill yourself”. As one can imagine hearing things such as that on a daily basis for a continuous period of time is well…completely crushing. As time went on I grew more broken In every way. I began repeating their words to myself - becoming my own bully. I would meditate on their lies day and night. And even to this very day I still find myself punishing myself with those same words whenever I make a mistake or fall short of my own expectations. That dark period of time still creeps its way into my daily life. I accepted their lies as my truth and I am just now coming to recognize my tight grip on these lies and how I have allowed them to flood my reality. The bullying impacted me to my core. That experience truly broke my heart and I am just now truly beginning my race towards healing. Years and years and gone by but the impact has remained. In what ways did this impact me, you may ask? Well it has impacted my health, my self esteem, my identity, my expectations of myself, my friendships, my day to day responsibilities, and so much more. The enemy took a piece of my shattered heart during that time and has held onto it and continued to feed it lies. But If I am being even more honest, I have not tried to stop him. I very quickly accepted those words as truth and never doubted or challenged them. But as Christians, we’re called to walk in step with the word of God both in heart and mind. We’re also called to take every thought captive. I did neither. During my time in Ecuador, the Lord orchestrated a divine appointment. I was able to share in the most deeply powerful conversation with my precious Aunt and another incredible woman who helped me dive into these pools of pain and recognize its impact upon my life! They helped me see the grip I had upon these lies and how I had accepted them as my truth…the bullies told me I was unloved, ugly, worthless, and so on. But they helped remind me of what God says!! They reminded me of the voice in which I should be tuning into. This is what the Bible says: God tells me I am loved (Romans 5:8). He tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He tells me I am his handiwork given an intended purpose (Ephesians 2:10). He also gives me a new identity that is found in Christ Alone (Galatians 3:27-28). My first encouragement to you is this- If you’ve been mistreated, bullied, or experienced a deep trauma that’s led to your own broken self esteem or identity...I am deeply sorry for what you’ve endured. As you step into the painful pools of your past, it is my prayer that you would re-walk those roads with Jesus in hand. May you receive comfort in knowing that even in the darkest of moments Jesus was there with you and His heart hurt when you felt those pains and even still His heart breaks at the impact of the lies within your life. His love for you was blazing even within the depths of that broken place. He longs to heal your crushed spirit and replace the lies with his beautiful truths. And to build your life and identity upon a foundation of His word! My second encouragement is this - If we’re in Christ we must be in tune with the spirit and seek the word of God in every area of our lives. His words must cover every inch of our hearts! It says in (2nd Corinthians 10:3-5) that we are commanded to take EVERY thought captive. We’re not in control of the lies that are fed to us, and I do not dismiss the crushing pain of those lies and the impact bullying creates within one’s life. But, we have the choice to either accept them as truth or take them to the word of God and challenge them and check if they fall in line with what He declares as truth! If you resonate with my experience in even the slightest of ways, I am so very sorry. We all experience our own heart breaks throughout life and that is when the enemy comes and tries to take a hold upon our lives. But know you’re not alone within your brokenness. In our weakness God strengthens us. He has not left us empty handed but gives us the armor of God! In (Ephesians 6:10-18) it gives clear instructions for how we can protect ourselves by the power of his word and spirit. What the enemy intends for evil, the Lord can take and and turn for our good (Genesis 50:20). So where does one go from here? Maybe this blog helped you loosen your grip on the lies that are flooding your life? If so, please be encouraged in knowing that you are not called to carry this burden alone. The Lord goes before us, and he longs to walk alongside us in our pains. He weeps with us and hurts for us. He longs to deliver peace and hope to you by His word. I am in the beginning process of surrendering the lies that have stained my life. I am now wiping them clean and replacing them with vibrant rays of God's truth and His love for me. I pray you will do the same. May we both reject the lies and take a step each day in saturating our minds with the word of God allowing him to heal our esteem and identity by his loving power. Thank you to all of those who have taken the time to read this blog. I pray it blesses and encourages you in your own journey. -Mikayla Kent.
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Hello everyone! I am back from my mission trip to Ecuador. And I can confidently say the Lord preformed a big work within my heart! The impacts of this trip are hard to put into words. But I will try my best to communicate all of the incredible ways the Lord moved throughout the week and within my heart. The first thing I want to share is the depths of my love for the Ecuadorian people. My eyes flood with tears as I try to string together a rightful description of these precious precious people but words fall short. I am eternally thankful for all the moments I shared with these beautiful people. On this trip I had the privilege of leading and working within the children’s ministry! Each day we set up a children’s area outside the medical clinics and our area was full of games and bubbles and yarn dolls and the warm loving faces of our team members and incredible translators. There were plenty of stations for the kids to rotate through and a few times a day we would have an evangelism portion. That was my favorite part. We would gather the kids in one place and demonstrate the gospel using the evangelism cube. Each time was a precious experience and I pray a seed was planted that the Lord will continue to pour his living water into day by day! Though the week was full of deep joy it was not perfect, It was my first time leading children’s ministry and it was absolutely a learning opportunity! I am so thankful for all that I was able to learn in this short time and excited for how I can use newfound information in the future. But most of all I am so thankful for the chance to share in tender moments with these beautiful people! Here are a few of my favorite moments.
I got to hold the hands of a kind mother and had the opportunity to paint her nails as she smiled at me brightly full of deep gratitude. Next, I got to share in a warm hug with the sweetest lady who had a heart full of joy as she was given a bible! I also got to hug and hold the hands of another precious lady who was thrilled when given a yarn doll. Each of these moments are stamped upon my heart and I will never forget them and what they taught me. The next thing I want to share is how the Lord worked within my heart. But let me first share where I was before the trip began. If I am being fully honest I had been sleep walking through life. I had fallen asleep to the chorus of my distracting culture and all its pleasures. But the Lord woke me up during our time in Ecuador and I am eager to step into line with Him. I was seeking the Lord before the trip began, but without surrender in certain areas of my life! The Lord used multiple incredible people throughout this trip to speak his truth and life into me. During the beginning of the trip I was able to share in a conversation with two precious people about my current reality and the root and strings tied to it. We were able to dive into my past and direct me back to Jesus and His truth. The power of that conversation cannot be put into words. And one day I hope to elaborate more. But for now, all I have to say is healing has come and will continue to pass. The second way the Lord woke me up was through the spiritual warfare I had been experiencing prior to the trip and during it. A few days before we left an indescribable spirit of heavy anxiety had come upon me and was telling me to drop the trip entirely full of whispered lies and doubts! and a few days into the trip that same anxiety came with intent to disrupt what the Lord had for me to do. The enemy tried to distract me and fill my heart with his twisted lies..but what the enemy meant for destruction the Lord used for my good!! During this time God shattered each and every anxious thought and enabled me to pray in ways I never have before! I prayed with complete confidence in who God is and with deep expectation! I was also able to share in the most beautiful prayer time with others on my team and it is a time I will never forget. The Lord also enabled me to rely on him and his word in ways I never had before! It was the most beautiful experience and I want to always seek him with that earnest heart and expectation!! Another way the Lord moved is through the confirmation that was delivered throughout the week regarding the calling God has placed upon my heart. Since a young age I believe the Lord gave me a heavy burden for missions. For years I have pursued that burden by joining these short term mission trips and waiting for more direction or guidance from him. This time around the Lord gave me guidance for my next steps. I believe the Lord has called me to missions, now in what capacity I am not yet sure. But I have decided to study Spanish at Anderson University for the time being as preparation for what is to come. And I am praying over possible opportunities in which I may be able to get more involved in the work that the Lord is completing in Ecuador! So keep me in your prayers as well. I hope this blog has painted a picture of how powerfully the Lord worked during our time in Ecuador!! This trip was transformative in so many ways and I am eager to surrender my life each and every day so that I may be filled with Jesus!! Thank you to all who prayed intently for our trip! Here is a prayer I have been praying since coming home. I hope it encourages you as well. “Lord, I want my heart to be ablaze for you! I want every crevice of my life to be lined with a holy fire that points to you! After years of falling into a quiet sleep directed by the lulls and hums of my culture..I am finally awake for you with a deep longing to know all of who you are! Lord, reveal more of yourself to me! Break down the walls of lies and rebuild my life upon a foundation of your truth. Mold me and shape me into your likeness so that I may reflect you and your heart in all ways. Help me to paint every corner of my life with rays of light that speak only of who you are and of your transforming power. Thank you Lord for your love, for your faithfulness, & for your power. Amen” Thank you for reading! God bless you!! -Mikayla Kent. |
AuthorI'm just a 17 year old girl, who has a passion for Jesus and longs to encourage and connect with other people through the shifting seasons of life, and the lessons learned through them. Archives
July 2023
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