It is 10:37pm as I begin to write this and my heart is full of feelings begging to be put into words. The first thought that pops into my head is “Where do I even begin?” Today, I want to share with you my journey battling with self esteem and my identity. It has been a long and painful road, and I am still dragging my feet through the dirt of this path but I am taking each step with confidence in He who goes before me. The definition of self esteem is this “confidence in one’s own worth or abilities: self respect.” And when I stand before the mirror the truth comes pouring down in a flood of tears as I reflect at my recent understanding and recognition of the depths of my brokenness in regards to my self esteem and identity. Now, I am going to dive into the pools of my past, those waters are dark and difficult for me to tread. But it is key when discovering the root of this issue. At the young age of ten I began to experience the darkness of bullying. And that is the first time my heart broke. Their words flew towards my heart like fiery arrows and shattered pieces of my identity and esteem. These were the words I heard for years over and over again…”you’ll never be loved” “you’re worthless” “you’re ugly and disgusting” “kill yourself”. As one can imagine hearing things such as that on a daily basis for a continuous period of time is well…completely crushing. As time went on I grew more broken In every way. I began repeating their words to myself - becoming my own bully. I would meditate on their lies day and night. And even to this very day I still find myself punishing myself with those same words whenever I make a mistake or fall short of my own expectations. That dark period of time still creeps its way into my daily life. I accepted their lies as my truth and I am just now coming to recognize my tight grip on these lies and how I have allowed them to flood my reality. The bullying impacted me to my core. That experience truly broke my heart and I am just now truly beginning my race towards healing. Years and years and gone by but the impact has remained. In what ways did this impact me, you may ask? Well it has impacted my health, my self esteem, my identity, my expectations of myself, my friendships, my day to day responsibilities, and so much more. The enemy took a piece of my shattered heart during that time and has held onto it and continued to feed it lies. But If I am being even more honest, I have not tried to stop him. I very quickly accepted those words as truth and never doubted or challenged them. But as Christians, we’re called to walk in step with the word of God both in heart and mind. We’re also called to take every thought captive. I did neither. During my time in Ecuador, the Lord orchestrated a divine appointment. I was able to share in the most deeply powerful conversation with my precious Aunt and another incredible woman who helped me dive into these pools of pain and recognize its impact upon my life! They helped me see the grip I had upon these lies and how I had accepted them as my truth…the bullies told me I was unloved, ugly, worthless, and so on. But they helped remind me of what God says!! They reminded me of the voice in which I should be tuning into. This is what the Bible says: God tells me I am loved (Romans 5:8). He tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He tells me I am his handiwork given an intended purpose (Ephesians 2:10). He also gives me a new identity that is found in Christ Alone (Galatians 3:27-28). My first encouragement to you is this- If you’ve been mistreated, bullied, or experienced a deep trauma that’s led to your own broken self esteem or identity...I am deeply sorry for what you’ve endured. As you step into the painful pools of your past, it is my prayer that you would re-walk those roads with Jesus in hand. May you receive comfort in knowing that even in the darkest of moments Jesus was there with you and His heart hurt when you felt those pains and even still His heart breaks at the impact of the lies within your life. His love for you was blazing even within the depths of that broken place. He longs to heal your crushed spirit and replace the lies with his beautiful truths. And to build your life and identity upon a foundation of His word! My second encouragement is this - If we’re in Christ we must be in tune with the spirit and seek the word of God in every area of our lives. His words must cover every inch of our hearts! It says in (2nd Corinthians 10:3-5) that we are commanded to take EVERY thought captive. We’re not in control of the lies that are fed to us, and I do not dismiss the crushing pain of those lies and the impact bullying creates within one’s life. But, we have the choice to either accept them as truth or take them to the word of God and challenge them and check if they fall in line with what He declares as truth! If you resonate with my experience in even the slightest of ways, I am so very sorry. We all experience our own heart breaks throughout life and that is when the enemy comes and tries to take a hold upon our lives. But know you’re not alone within your brokenness. In our weakness God strengthens us. He has not left us empty handed but gives us the armor of God! In (Ephesians 6:10-18) it gives clear instructions for how we can protect ourselves by the power of his word and spirit. What the enemy intends for evil, the Lord can take and and turn for our good (Genesis 50:20). So where does one go from here? Maybe this blog helped you loosen your grip on the lies that are flooding your life? If so, please be encouraged in knowing that you are not called to carry this burden alone. The Lord goes before us, and he longs to walk alongside us in our pains. He weeps with us and hurts for us. He longs to deliver peace and hope to you by His word. I am in the beginning process of surrendering the lies that have stained my life. I am now wiping them clean and replacing them with vibrant rays of God's truth and His love for me. I pray you will do the same. May we both reject the lies and take a step each day in saturating our minds with the word of God allowing him to heal our esteem and identity by his loving power. Thank you to all of those who have taken the time to read this blog. I pray it blesses and encourages you in your own journey. -Mikayla Kent.
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AuthorI'm just a 17 year old girl, who has a passion for Jesus and longs to encourage and connect with other people through the shifting seasons of life, and the lessons learned through them. Archives
July 2023
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