I have honestly considered deleting this blog. I find myself feeling exhausted…mentally and physically. I felt that there was no more to be said. I've been so tired, I feel stuck in a vicious cycle of pain. I was making progress with my jaw misalignment, starting to feel hopeful again; thinking this chapter of my life would soon be closed, I was seeing the light at the end of a very long and treacherous hallway. It felt like that new refreshing chapter of freedom from physical pain was only a step away!
But then things started to shift. I wasn't just dealing with ringing and aching in my ears, or lengthy headaches and sleepless nights. Something new developed. I started having joint pain, more so than normal…a new kind of fatigue…and plenty of other symptoms I don’t need to go into. But to sum it up I am at my worst. I spend days in my bed laying down sleeping on-and-off. Any energy that I had, has been taken away. It progressed slowly over the span of a couple weeks which culminated in a visit to the ER. We finally decided to see my family physician, they ran a couple tests and what they were looking for were either Crohn’s disease, RA (rheumatoid arthritis), or Lupus. For those who don't know all three of those are chronic illnesses. A short week later I find out my ANA levels came back positive. Meaning it isn't just a bug or something treatable with antibiotics. They think it is some type of autoimmune we aren't sure of what but it’s looking like a connective tissue disease, which is what my mom has (it’s almost lupus but not full blown) and even worse it’s not curable. I felt a heaviness in my chest. I’ve seen the way my sweet mom has suffered through the pains of her chronic illness. And to think that could be the same fate for me was just a terrifying thought. I want to get up every-day energized for the day, I want to be able to focus on my education completely and in between that pursue my hobbies. I felt spilt, part of me felt like that was the last straw and I could just fall to pieces. Yet through all of this pain and uncertainty, I've had a peace I've never felt before, I feel this connection with God that is absolutely supernatural. It’s nothing I've done, it’s all Him. He continually meets me in my suffering. Some people close to me have asked me, “How did you do that? How do you not hate God?” I wondered that myself, and I go back and think through the course of the last four years and I've had plenty of times where instead of falling into his sweet loving embrace I ran from him with a cold and bitter heart. But that got me nowhere, all I gained was more pain. So each time I've ran away I noticed I didn't run as far, and I feel like I hit my breaking point. I've come to a place where I feel everything has been ripped from my grasp and when I looked around me all that was left was God and of course my family. He has given me a desire for Him and His Word. My relationship with God has grown more intimate and stronger. I am learning to be satisfied in Him. I have had to surrender my dreams, my hopes, and control to the Lord and lay them at the cross. Everyday. I have had to come to the realization that sometimes God doesn't take the pain away, sometimes His plan doesn't align with our own. When I did that, I started on a road to satisfaction in Him. Now don't get me wrong it wasn't a one-time exchange, it is a daily battle but He continually strengthens me and slowly it gets easier. I continually have to surrender everything to Him. At the times when I’m tired and weary and still attempting to grasp for one more piece of control of my life - He says enough - Come lay down at my feet, let me give rest to your aching soul. Release the control and let me fight for you my child. Psalm 23 verses 2-4 says this "He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for You are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me". Though I'm at my loneliest, most painful and exhausting season I have never been so completely and utterly in love with my sweet Jesus. I am becoming satisfied in him. I'll admit some days I'll just lay in bed and dive right into an ocean of self-pity asking the common question "Why me Lord?" or "How much longer?" I'll create fantasies of a better life for myself foolishly thinking that earthly things or a stronger healthier body could satisfy my soul better than God. I don't want to give a false representation of where I am at. I am hurting, I don't understand what He is doing. But, I trust that He will take care of me, I trust that His promises are true. I am chasing growth and I pray wherever you are in your walk you can find complete satisfaction in Him. I felt that I had no more to say, how could God use a sick girl like me to inspire or empower anyone. But that’s where I had it wrong. It's not me who inspires or empowers, it is He who has done a miraculous work in me to inspire. I am just the messenger of a mighty and holy God. -Mikayla Kent
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AuthorI'm just a 17 year old girl, who has a passion for Jesus and longs to encourage and connect with other people through the shifting seasons of life, and the lessons learned through them. Archives
July 2023
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